Moving Out Moving On

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Abusive Relationships

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle.
Such abuse often goes unseen. Even the victim does not recognize that s/he is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is usually accompanied by and often follows emotional abuse, for example, emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behavior towards her and simply accept it.

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others.

Isolation

The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This may mean not allowing her to use the phone, or have her friends and family visit. He may make it difficult to do any of the above by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone or some other excuse. He may make her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked.  He may even encourage her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discount them or complain that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him.  He may accuse her of neglecting him. Some abusers may insist that the family move frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network.  Abusers slowly chip away with their victim’s existing relationships with family and friends.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure himself.  They feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority and take their partner away from them.  Relationships with others pose a threat to the control the abuser has over the victim.   The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependent on the abuser for all her social needs.

Forms of Isolation include:

1. Checking up on you when you’re out running simple errands
2. Accusing you of sleeping around
3. Moving you away from friends and family
4. Limiting your access to a car or phone
5. Making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when they call or visit so they will slowly stop contacting you
6. Punishing you by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
7. Not allowing you to leave the house on your own. Always wanting to go with you
8. Demanding a report on your actions and conversations on a daily basis
9. Preventing you from leaving the home and working any kind of job
10. Not allowing any activity which does not include him
11. Finding fault with your friends/family
12. If you are allowed to work-insisting on taking you to and from work
13. In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities.

Verbal Abuse

When we think of Verbal Abuse we tend to think of an abuser yelling out insulting names at the victim, and while this does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (for example,  you've got a mind like a porch step, you're stupid, crazy,  etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (perhaps who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

1. Yelling or shouting at you
2. Purposely doing something to annoy you
3. Blaming you for his failures or for the abuse itself
4. Making threats
5. Insulting you or your family
6. Being sarcastic about or criticizing your interests, opinions or beliefs
7. Humiliating you either in private or in public
8. Sneering, growling, name-calling
9. Withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
10. Refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
11. Laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
12. Leaving nasty messages on your cell phone or at home
13. Accusing you of unfaithfulness, or not trying hard enough

All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults.They prohibit a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.